Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
