Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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