I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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