just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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