She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have already put on my inside pants.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....