I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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