I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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