My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
