Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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