I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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