And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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