my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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