After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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