My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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