So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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