i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
