Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize