shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
