i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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