Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Send help, water and tortillas.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
