So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
