Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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