If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We are two peas in an std pod
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
