I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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