your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
