I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
