So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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