I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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