plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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