can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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