I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize