My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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