i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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