DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I will be naked everywhere
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
