Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
