I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
