I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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