It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
