Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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