I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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