Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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