i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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