just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The power of my boobs compel you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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