Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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