I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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