i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
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Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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