Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
