I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
