Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
