its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
