I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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