So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
