just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
