Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize